Not Falling Down

November 2021:

It’s been a few months since my last blog. I’m happy to say though, that it’s not because I have had a setback. But, really it’s the opposite. I have been doing so well controlling my FND (Functional Neurological Disorder) symptoms since I left the hospital in late spring. My last seizure was in late May, which still amazes me. I have been exposed to more social, loud experiences and have been able to handle it. I was even able to go to a wedding and enjoy myself. I did wear earplugs once the music was raised to encourage dancing, but I was able to dance and have a blast.

I’m seeing hope in my future of being able to return to work in some sort of way. I miss teaching so much. Kid voices are still something that irritates me though. Perhaps I can slowly start working to build up my endurance, sound sensitivity and multi-tasking at a local store. Then, get back into a school setting moving at my own pace as a substitute choosing which days I go in. In my state, I can return to work for a 6 month (non consecutive) period. If that goes well, I would no longer get disability and be able to return to work permanently. I was so happy to find this out. I thought as soon as I worked anywhere, even part time, I would automatically lose my disability. I was so scared to start a job and then have a regression medically. I fought so hard to get disability and was fearful of losing it all. Luckily, I can test the waters out first.

I just saw my Neurologist last week. She was so pleased to see how well I have been doing since she saw me 3 months ago. The doctor wanted me to stay on my meds since I have been doing so well. She would hate to make any changes and then see an occurrence of symptoms. We also discussed that at the end of November I will be at the 6 month seizure free mark. This milestone means that I can get my license back technically. We discussed safety precautions and only driving in town for a while and taking it very slow. I can’t wait to not rely on people for the smallest things. But, of course I need to make sure I feel comfortable with the actual driving part regardless of how excited I am. I do still startle easily at many things and do so even when my husband is driving. I would have to make sure I’m not doing that while I’m driving. It will be like I’m 16 again learning to drive for the first time.

During my sessions with my therapist, she recently tried EDMR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy with me for a few sessions. Many people with FND have stated that this type of therapy was useful. This therapy was designed to enable people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that can result from traumatic events and life experiences. It is a form of psychotherapy in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images. Over time, exposure to traumatic memories will no longer induce negative feelings and distressing symptoms. Challenging experiences overwhelm the brain’s natural ability to heal, and that the healing process can be facilitated and completed through bilateral stimulation. During a session, the therapist will ask to recall a traumatic memory in their mind while using their eyes to track the therapist’s hand that will be moving back and forth in front of their line of vision. I struggle with following the finger back and forth. It causes me to feel dizzy. But, it’s really about using a type of bilateral stimulation, such as the side-to-side eye rapid movement or even hand tapping. So for me, I kept my hands on my shoulders and tapped my shoulders one at a time. EMDR helps heal the brain to move towards recovery and resolution. It is a powerful form of therapy that has shown to be effective in the treatment of a variety of mental health disorders, treating trauma, PTSD, panic attacks, eating disorders, addictions, and anxiety. If you or you know someone that suffers from any of these issues, let them know about EMDR. But, like most forms of therapy, one form of treatment doesn’t work for everyone. For me, EMDR didn’t work and I had to cut the sessions short. I was asked to remember my first seizure experience that started off with passing out at work and then progressed as I went to the hospital. With FND, your brain misfires and sends different signals to your body. This can cause sensations, paralysis, numbness, and even seizures to happen. When I was thinking about that initial time, she asked me how my body felt and to focus my thoughts on that (while tapping). For me as we continued on with many different thoughts and feelings I started getting tightness throughout my legs, my feet started to arch, pressure formed in my chest and I asked to stop. For the rest of that session, I was having trouble taking breaths. Thoughts start to rush in my mind. Am I going to have a seizure, pass out, and/or have a panic attack. I expressed my concerns with the therapist. She said it would take time to overcome my thoughts, but she didn’t want it to lead to a seizure especially since she knew how many months I have gone without one. The next session went very similarly and it was determined to take a break. We may revisit it in the future.

It’s so crazy how the mind works. How thoughts, memories and experiences can trigger sensations that fully take over you. We must take care of ourselves in any way possible. Do you need to remove or limit yourself from negative people, get help, find a new job, be more positive, spend more time with true friends or even do something that you have always wanted to do? If you answered yes to any of these, then follow through and do it. You only live once, so make it a great life.